Monday, April 7, 2008

Children vs. Kids

Remember that Chris Rock routine, Black Folks vs. Niggas? Sheer genius. That might been the routine that made Chris my favorite comedian. Hell, that whole "Bring the Pain" HBO special really.

Well, I've had a similar routine going on in my head for the last year or so. Mines is Children vs. Kids. Now, I know you're probably asking yourself, whats the difference between a child an a kid? Its actually quite easy when you sit and think about it.

When you think of children, you think of little youngsters. Well behaved children who only speak when spoken to, use manners at the dinner table, wear their clothes nice and neat. When you think of children you think of youngsters who raise their hands in class, stop and look both ways when they cross the street and say "please" and "thank you." Don't believe me? Try this. Close your eyes and think of the word "children." What pops up in your head? I'll tell you what pops up in mine:

smiling faces
bright eyes
chirping birds and shit

Now, close your eyes and think of the word "kids." What pops up now? I'll tell you what pops up:

broken shit laying around the house
loud ass yelling
spilled drink on the carpet
kool-aid rings around the mouth
candy stuck to their shirt
bad report cards

Am I lying?

I didn't want to believe the thought I was having, but, after while, it just became undeniable. For instance, I was at church yesterday. Usually, I try to be strategic about where I sit at church. No, I don't do that to try and sit next to pretty women with their "I need a man" dresses on, nor do I do it thinking if I sit close to the pulpit, I'll catch the holy ghost and some extra blessings. No, I do it for two reasons. One, to avoid sitting next to kids and two, to avoid the cameras or plain view in case I dose off in the middle of service. (Don't act like you haven't done that)

I was running late yesterday, so, I didn't have much of a choice of where I wanted to sit. It was either sit next to the woman who catches the HOLY GHOST EVERY SUNDAY or sit next to a bunch of kids. I chose the kids because I didn't feel like ducking elbows and flying shoes.

There were these twin boys sitting in front of me, some twin girls sitting next to me and a bunch of other kids sitting behind me. As soon as the service got started, they started acting up.

The twin boys were playing sword fight with their umbrellas acting a got damn fool! They were yanking the yarn out of the seats, making paper airplanes, jumping up and down, the whole nine! The crazy thing is that their mother was turning a blind eye to all of this shit. Every time the boys would start acting up, she'd just jump up and say HALLELUJAH! Every time they'd pop one of those umbrellas open she'd just jump up and say PRAISE JESUS! At one point I wanted to turn her around say "to hell with the choir, watch your damn kids!"

It wasn't long before the twin girls got in on the action. They started off just yanking each others hair. But after while they climbing on the seats and pulling on my shirt sleeves. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I can't stand no bad ass kids, so I yanked my arm away and shot that little girl a mean ass look like I really wanted to whup her ass...since her mother obviously wasn't going to.

Then, the kids behind me started complaing loud as hell. "Mommy Im hooooooooooot." "I have to go to the bathrooooooooooooooom." "Who's that man talking." "When can we go home?"

It took everything in me not to jump up and yell "SHUT THE HELL UP! the name of Jesus, amen."

That wasn't the end of it. Since it was communion Sunday, they passed the trays around. Now, I ain't gonna lie, when I was little, I used to think communion was snack time. But still, I kinda had enough sense to know that this was something special. Plus, my parents knew not to pass the plates directly to me, but instead, get my wine and crackers for me. But not these folks.

The mother, like a dumbass, passed the plates to the twin boys and they both took two wine/crackers each. And she let them do it! Before the pastor even got to the part when he says "take this and eat together"...these little niggas was chomping down on the crackers talking about "ew, this nasty!" Then, they opened the drink and took them to the head like a shot of tequila. Of course, one of them messed around and spilled it all over himself. What did the mother do...the same thing she'd been doing all service, waving her hands and saying hallelujah to the choir.

When we sat back down, one of the little boys turned around and started reaching for me, for what I don't know, I guess he wanted to play. I didn't feel like hearing that shit so I slapped his hand gave him a motion with my finger to turn his ass around. Guess what? It worked, he acted like he had sense for the remainder of the service.

Now, I haven't mention the little girl that was sitting to my front-right. Why? Because she was well-behaved. She was acting like a "child" not a "kid." She knew better than to take two communions. She knew better than to climb all over the seats. She knew better than to untie her shoelaces. She knew better than to talk loud during service.

You know, I used to not like kids that weren't related to me at all. I mean, I've been out on dates where the woman I was with was turned off by the fact that I got easily irritated by the kid acting a damn fool at the table behind us. I guess that made them feel like I didn't like kids which meant that I wasn't good with kids which meant that I didn't want kids. WRONG WRONG WRONG...I just can't stand annoying ass don't matter if your 7 or 27.

But, I am comfortable in saying that I don't like KIDS. I love children. I love the youth. But KIDS, hell no. Hate them mah fuggas.


CoCo said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! This story was too funny.

boogie said...

you are mean.

David said...

Do you go to church every week? If so what keeps you doing that? I'm Jewish and I question my own and other religion constantly and just wanna know what's up with that. If you see this say something if you want. I mean this to be in a respectful manner and I hope it doesn't offend you.